I’m almost afraid of how bad my mental state is right now. I just had to say that to someone.
Only 3 days left until Duke Children’s Hospital Prom!! Feels nice to have something to look forward to 🙂
This year’s theme is outer space. I’m interested to see what they do with that and what the overall turnout will be. Last year’s Prom was amazing, and I imagine it’s only gonna be better this year 🙂 I can’t wait to see everyone!!
Should I add “pole dance enthusiast” to my Tinder bio? Tubies do it better… 😉
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.
A few months ago, I bought a lock box to use on days I’m feeling especially defeated. You set it for a certain amount of time, and the box will not open until that time has passed. There are no loopholes or ways around this: trust me, I have tried. When the urges are screaming in my head and drowning out all logic, I lock away my medicines, razor blades and anything else I might use to hurt myself.
Doing this takes an indescribable amount of self-control, especially in those moments when all hope seems lost.
I don’t know whether to be ashamed or proud of myself.
And I need grace
To step inside my mind and help me be a better person
Or at least a better version of me
‘Cause right now, all I wanna do is scream that I need grace
‘Cause I’m running low on faith
And I really wanna change my heart
‘Cause I’m falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace…
Suicide has always been a part of my life, long before I fully understood its magnitude or permanency.
Looming over my head, lurking in the walking-on-eggshell good days and overpowering all else on days bad, until it slowly seeped into every pore of my being.
Suicide taught me to drive at age 13, up and down dark roads at night searching for my mother. Peering down over bridges, terrified at the thought of finding her yet somehow more afraid I wouldn’t.
Mourning my father, trembling in his jacket as I inhaled the familiar mixture of leather and cigarette smoke. My heart leapt when he came home a few days later, my absolute elation masking my blood-stained bewilderment. Holding him as tight as I could until its next attack.
Suicide taught me the true meaning of fear.
Uncertainty. A chill down your spine.
A threat keeping me in line. A sense of impending doom.
Abandonment. Turmoil. Anger. Despair.
Is it any wonder tops of tall buildings mock me on my way to class and rusty dissection tools call my name?
Whether it resides beneath my skin, whispering in my ear or walks one step behind me, biting at my heels varies day-to-day…
But it’s always there. Waiting. Watching.
I long to be free of its grasp. I envy those with a will to live.
It’s comforting in its familiarity.
Like a childhood blanket, fraying at the edges, suicide wrapped me in its embrace through every dark night of my childhood– a twisted element of consistency through the chaos.
Without suicide, how could I face the past? The present? The future?
What would be left of me?
I never knew it was possible to miss someone you had never actually met, but that is always how we felt. The first thing we said upon embracing each other for the first time was, “I MISSED YOU!!!” ♥️
I got to see my Em!!
While we lived on opposite sides of the country most of our lives, this girl been with me through it all– my first real spoonie friend! In the past 4.5 years we’ve been friends, we’ve spent countless nights on the phone, FaceTiming until dawn, supporting each other through life’s craziness & trying to make sense of the world. We were both so sick & oh so scared when we met…dealing with mysterious & debilitating symptoms, overwhelmed as we collected diagnosis after diagnosis. We spent hours talking about everything & nothing at all, often staying on the line with little lullabies or reassuring words until the other was asleep.
Crazy to look back & see how far we’ve come! I truly don’t know what I would have done without her all those years.
This girl sees me- even when I try so hard to hide inside myself. She makes me laugh with her sarcasm & morbid sense of humor. She holds me & reassures me when I’m sick, telling me not to be embarrassed. She reminds me it’s okay to break down sometimes & loves me right through it. She makes me feel accepted, wanted- completely safe & loved.
I can’t help but smile when I look at the beautiful young woman before me. Em, I’m so beyond proud of everything you’ve overcome & the person you are today. You inspire me & I am beyond blessed to call you my friend & little sissy 💕 My heart is so, so full!