Sunrise

Just once I’d like to watch the sun rise through the cracks in my blinds without a feeling of dread and crushing despair.

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Ramblings of A Prisoner of Flesh

Screen Shot 2017-12-11 at 4.18.51 PMChronic illness is the forced embodiment of an unsolicited reality

It is detecting the ever-changing direction of the wind,

Nimble focus to which way it screams the loudest

A constant game of tug-of-war

Paralyzed by pain- aching, burning, stabbing

Awake in constant slumber, a fog unyielding

Racing thoughts get lost on the way to the tongue

A prisoner of failing flesh

Always too much, too little

Never just enough…

Once aiming for superlatives, now grounded in indistinction

Unclenching hyper-vigilance and embracing helpless dependency

“Sustainable”, instead of “healthy”, as the label of betterment

Trading existing for thriving

Surviving for living

Understanding for tolerance, and then only sometimes

Living in everyone’s expectation that if they try; at access, at

niceness, then that trying, for us, should be enough

Slivers of doubt become trusted tools

Can I do this? Will they be there? What will be left of me?

Be prepared for anything.

Be prepared for anything…

Happy 23 to Me!

Happy birthday to me; I’m officially 23! 🎉🎈

I got birthday hugs & the sweetest gifts from the amazing College Inn crew!  Tifani gave me this fancy mug & a beautiful candle that smells sooooo good & says “Hello, Sunshine” ☀️ She said I am the most sunshine-y person she knows & I always brighten her day! I teared up & honestly still do thinking about it. And Austin gave me the bright, gorgeous flowers you see in the pictures below! I was so surprised & so happy I was literally shaking. I still can’t believe they did that!

Then I got to spend my birthday evening with my parents & Clyde 🙂 They showed up to my apartment door wearing giant party hats & big, cheesy smiles…which totally caught the maintenance workers off guard when they answered the door, lol. We went to Mellow Mushroom & had some delicious gluten free pizza with onions (my favorite)! After dinner, we went to McDonalds & sat at a booth for hours drinking hot chocolate, just talking & laughing about everything & nothing at all. I am so incredibly blessed to have a family who truly enjoys one another’s company & who can have fun doing just about anything. My parents are my best friends & I don’t know what I would do without them. We are a dysfunctional bunch, but I wouldn’t change a thing.. ❤

And Peter wants to take me to a birthday dinner tomorrow night! We were supposed to see each other tonight, but I was feeling a bit low after some things happened & so I asked if we could reschedule. I am actually excited we’re going tomorrow instead, because, as dumb as this may sound, that means the celebration isn’t over  🎉

I received some really, really sweet text messages & voicemails today that reminded how many people out there truly care & love me, today & every day, even though we may not get to see one another often. I really needed that, especially lately.. ❤

I truly appreciate everyone who helped make my special day so special, both in person & from a distance! I feel the love 😘

Here’s to year 23!!

 

 

 

 

 

You cannot save everyone.

You cannot save everyone.

You cannot save everyone.

You cannot save everyone.

You cannot save everyone.

You cannot save everyone.

You cannot save everyone.

You cannot save everyone.

And that’s just gonna have to be okay…