Things have been really, really hard lately. Life has thrown me & my family a lot of curveballs, physically, mentally, emotionally & financially. I feel like each day is a battle & I’m constantly struggling to simply keep my head above water. But even through the storm, God’s grace & mercy is unyielding. He sees & loves me where I am, & no matter what, He is still good.. ❤
I love this song so much. It’s 4 chords & is sung mostly in unison– it’s nothing musically significant. It’s repetitive & the words are not eloquent or poetic. It’s inherently simple. And that’s why I love it.
“You’re a good good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am…”
In a world swirling with uncertainty & stress (both good & bad!) it’s easy to let things become overcomplicated & unclear,
This week may have knocked me down, but hope is not lost. I need not seek identity in grades, friends, or health— His love defines me. I am loved, not by any of my own doing, but because He is my Father, and He is good.
His love is not something I have; it’s who I am.
It’s as simple as that… 🙂
I finally was able to take my BIO 181 final exam today! I feel like I did pretty well, but either way, today was a good day. Dr. Kosal gave me a hug & asked how I was doing…not in that passive, fill-in-the-silence type way most people do…but like she truly cared & wanted to know. It’s funny how such seemingly small acts can make such a huge impact, huh? The past month or two has been beyond crazy, but BIO 181 has been nothing short of a blessing. I usually do not share the ins-and-outs of my struggles with chronic illness, & I NEVER tell people about my family problems…but life happens, & this summer session forced me to open up to Dr. Kosal about both. And I’m honestly glad I did. She has been a huge encouragement to me, & I love & appreciate her so much.. 🙂
I have no words to describe what is happening right now. My heart is shattered. I am tired and weary and I feel so very afraid. But God is holding us amidst this chaos, even though His presence isn’t always immediately apparent…
Dr. Kosal is my Biology professor and one of the kindest, most compassionate people I have ever known (more on that later). Unable to leave my dad’s side at the hospital, I missed the final exam. I couldn’t even let her know I was going to miss the exam or why because there are no phones or computers allowed when someone is waiting to be involuntarily committed. It was impossible to sneak considering my dad’s rogue state and my role as a primary caretaker. When I could finally access my phone, I emailed her in a panicked frenzy, apologizing profusely, feeling terrible, and begging for a retroactive ‘incomplete’ in the class. Her response…well…it was a total God thing.
Here’s are some excerpts (6/22/16):
I’m so sorry to read all of this. It sounds like you have been given a heavy load to carry and I know you are physically and emotionally exhausted. I gave you an incomplete for the course already – I knew there was some good reason to not see you…
…So let me know what you think. Take care of your health first, your dad, and then worry about BIO 181. It will be here for you when you can tackle it well. No rush.
Thank you, Lord, for placing people like Dr. Kosal in my life. I do not understand why this is happening, but I know You are here and You are working for our good…somehow…
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” -Philippians 4:13
This verse is commonly misused. It does not mean that because we believe, we can succeed in all of our endeavors. It is true that we can accomplish great things through Jesus, but that is not what Philippians 4:13 means. It means that, through Christ, we can be content in all things– through trials, pain, illness, long nights, family dysfunction, abuse, neglect– because we can take comfort and find our hope in the fact that He alone is enough. We are loved by a perfect Father who sees all our brokenness yet delights in calling us His own! Now, that’s a reason to smile… 🙂
Happy National Physician’s Assistant Appreciation Week! Let me introduce you to the most amazing PA out there- Sharon Johnson. This lady has been there for me in some of the hardest times of my life, fighting for me and helping me to find my voice. I have put her through so much since I’ve been her patient– everything from being manic on SSRIs (allergic to all SSRIs and was on 3 of them at once- eventually resulted in serotonin syndrome) to three surgeries and the complications that came with them. Oh, and then of course coming to her with my incredibly complex medical issues and often fragile mental state. She has literally seen me at my absolute worst. Others might have run or refused to see me as a patient…but not Sharon. Sharon has never once given up on me.
Recently, one of my (former) doctors aggressively inserted himself into my life, making gross accusations and false assumptions. He ripped my life right out from under my feet…but even worse? He went after Sharon, threatening her and her license. It was horrible. But what did Sharon do? Not only did she defend herself, involving her supervising physician and the head of the practice, but she also stuck up for me! In a major way. She defended me both as a patient and as a person. She is tough as nails, that one.I was SO nervous to see her after the awful fiasco with my aforementioned physician, but our doctor-patient relationship, as well as our relationship as people, is better and stronger than ever. She understands me better than ever before, and I know I can be myself with her, without judgement.
I come to her with some really hard and really personal stuff, but somehow, she always knows just what to say. She sees my heart. When I feel like the world is against me, I know I can always count on Sharon to help me back up again, reminding me I am a person- not just a number, illness or burden.
I could go on and on, but for now, let me just conclude with saying: Sharon is the the smartest, kindest, strongest, most compassionate, most creative, most beautiful, most dedicated and all-around BEST PA I’ve ever known. She is a huge blessing in my life, and I will spend the rest of my time on this Earth in appreciation and utter awe of all she did and continues to do in my life. She is not just my PCP; she is my hero.
“Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become. Who will love me for me? ‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means…”
From August 25, 2015.
Had moved into apartment all by myself, while really ill, and the place was trashed.
It was trashed BEFORE I even moved in, because my mother asked them not to clean or paint (because I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivities). There was literally blood smeared around the bathroom and nasty stains on the carpet and goodness knows what all over the walls and desk.
Worked really hard to get it together- again, BY MYSELF! – despite my health and my body’s objections. Took me hours (though the time-lapse makes it look like seconds!)…but I did it. I needed my room to be a place where I could think…study…breathe…function. And I had a lot of people to prove wrong.
As of now (9/7/15), the room looks COMPLETELY different. It is beautiful and matches and the carpet is even scrubbed and new-looking. It’s even organized 🙂
The point of the beginning of this video?
I overcame everything and did what I needed to do…turned the pain into power…and was successful. Was the room perfect? Not even close! But did I make a lot of progress? YES.
Difficult does not equate impossible.
Small victories are still victories. 🙂