Not Your Average Pole Dance

Should I add “pole dance enthusiast” to my Tinder bio?  Tubies do it better… 😉

 

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass.  It’s about learning to dance in the rain.

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I Missed You <3

I never knew it was possible to miss someone you had never actually met, but that is always how we felt. The first thing we said upon embracing each other for the first time was, “I MISSED YOU!!!” ♥️

I got to see my Em!!

While we lived on opposite sides of the country most of our lives, this girl been with me through it all– my first real spoonie friend! In the past 4.5 years we’ve been friends, we’ve spent countless nights on the phone, FaceTiming IMG_4268until dawn, supporting each other through life’s craziness & trying to make sense of the world. We were both so sick & oh so scared when we met…dealing with mysterious & debilitating symptoms, overwhelmed as we collected diagnosis after diagnosis. We spent hours talking about everything & nothing at all, often staying on the line with little lullabies or reassuring words until the other was asleep.

Crazy to look back & see how far we’ve come! I truly don’t know what I would have done without her all those years.

This girl sees me- even when I try so hard to hide inside myself. She makes me laugh with her sarcasm & morbid sense of humor. She holds me & reassures me when I’m sick, telling me not to be embarrassed. She reminds me it’s okay to break down sometimes & loves me right through it. She makes me feel accepted, wanted- completely safe & loved.

I can’t help but smile when I look at the beautiful young woman before me. Em, I’m so beyond proud of everything you’ve overcome & the person you are today. You inspire me & I am beyond blessed to call you my friend & little sissy 💕 My heart is so, so full!

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Ramblings of A Prisoner of Flesh

Screen Shot 2017-12-11 at 4.18.51 PMChronic illness is the forced embodiment of an unsolicited reality

It is detecting the ever-changing direction of the wind,

Nimble focus to which way it screams the loudest

A constant game of tug-of-war

Paralyzed by pain- aching, burning, stabbing

Awake in constant slumber, a fog unyielding

Racing thoughts get lost on the way to the tongue

A prisoner of failing flesh

Always too much, too little

Never just enough…

Once aiming for superlatives, now grounded in indistinction

Unclenching hyper-vigilance and embracing helpless dependency

“Sustainable”, instead of “healthy”, as the label of betterment

Trading existing for thriving

Surviving for living

Understanding for tolerance, and then only sometimes

Living in everyone’s expectation that if they try; at access, at

niceness, then that trying, for us, should be enough

Slivers of doubt become trusted tools

Can I do this? Will they be there? What will be left of me?

Be prepared for anything.

Be prepared for anything…

It’s Only Been 3 Days…

I am honestly terrified for this semester.  In so many ways, this is my last chance to turn things around.  But I am so, so very worn– physically, mentally & emotionally.  Simply getting out of bed or responding to text messages seems too hard some days, nevermind successfully functioning as a student.  I know that worrying fixes nothing, and I’m trying not to get too ahead of myself: it’s only been three days.  But before the semester even began, I felt like I was drowning.  I’m working my very hardest and trying to keep my head up, but I really don’t think I can do this…

Spoonie Party!

I had the BEST time with these lovely ladies today!  I cannot even begin to express how needed this get-together was…not just for me, but for all of us.  Spending time with people who truly get it– talking, laughing, commiserating, joking, and just BEING, no strings attached– is truly the best medicine.  No one flinched when someone whipped out a nebulizer or strapped on a neck brace or flushed their port or tripped over their tubing. Laughing, we raced up to help each other (usually just adding to the chaos…lol, but the thought was there).  It was the first time in a long time I felt genuinely happy.. ❤

Urine-ologist With Mom

Today I had another slew of appointments, one of them being with my urologist at Duke South. It was a pretty uneventful appointment, but I am incredibly frustrated with the state of my urological health…

I have my THIRD infection in two months! The first two were complicated infections with uncommon strains of bacteria, and they really kicked my butt. This most recent culture grew Klebsiella pneumoniae which is a pretty common culprit of UTIs…but it is a difficult bacteria to get rid of nonetheless.

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I honestly do not remember what it feels like to not have a UTI! My bladder and kidneys are constantly hurting, with pain ranging from slight soreness to knock-you-to-the-floor sharpness.

My urologist reassured me today that I am doing nothing wrong to cause these problems.

These infections are a result of EDS causing my bladder to be ‘too stretchy’ and dysautonomia affecting nerve signals to my smooth muscles. She also said that prednisone is likely complicating things as it is an immunosuppressant.

As far as managing my condition(s) goes (in this case, taking prophylactic antibiotics and self-cathing), I am doing everything right. I suppose knowing that makes me feel a little better…but in a way, the fact that this is not my fault increases my frustration because there isn’t anything I can do to improve the situation… agh.

On a more positive note, appointments with mom are always an adventure! She’s truly a character, that one. Here’s a video of some post-appointment shenanigans with my partner in crime.. 🙂 Love this crazy woman so much! ❤

The Reality of Chronic Illness: Prom Edition

Just realized I never shared this! Check out my amazing spoonie sister Em’s blog post about our experience attending Duke Children’s Hospital Prom…and all that went on ‘behind the scenes’ to prepare and recuperate… 🙂

Through the Peaks and Valleys

Last Saturday (April 22nd) Duke Children’s Hospital held their very first PROM! I had the amazing opportunity to not only attend but I got to attend with 3 fantastic ladies that I have gotten to know over the last year online! We share quite the list of medical diagnosis’ and life experiences.

Pre-Prom Prep!

Prom prep started about a week before the actual prom. Cancelling doctors appointments, scheduling doctors appointments, ER visits, lots of medicine, and rest rest rest!

Pre-prom prep (IV fluids, Nutrition, pain meds, steroids and prayer!)

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While we got ready for prom before getting our dresses on and doing our make-up we pre-medicated and talked about how much we get it. There was no need to explain anything or feel ashamed because they live it too! (Though I so wish none of us had to, it’s nice to not feel so alone).

We all meet online in…

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EDS Dance Moves

May is Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes Awareness Month! I plan to put together an awareness video 18491801_10211400950093038_3886477973530592870_oeventually…but in the meantime, here’s a sneak peak at some weird EDS hand movements. Notice how my hand almost looks like it’s turned inside out? That ‘flying swan’ hand position is like our EDS gang sign.. 😉