That’s the thing about pain: it demands to be felt.”
– John Green
A few months ago, I bought a lock box to use on days I’m feeling especially defeated. You set it for a certain amount of time, and the box will not open until that time has passed. There are no loopholes or ways around this: trust me, I have tried. When the urges are screaming in my head and drowning out all logic, I lock away my medicines, razor blades and anything else I might use to hurt myself.
Doing this takes an indescribable amount of self-control, especially in those moments when all hope seems lost.
I don’t know whether to be ashamed or proud of myself.
And I need grace
To step inside my mind and help me be a better person
Or at least a better version of me
‘Cause right now, all I wanna do is scream that I need grace
‘Cause I’m running low on faith
And I really wanna change my heart
‘Cause I’m falling apart these days
And what I really need is grace…
I cradle the blade under my pillow like a shiny panic button screaming “do not press.” Only then can I sleep.
As the morning light peeks through the window and you stir into consciousness, sometimes for a fleeting second, you forget.
But you are jerked back into reality as your heart begins to pound– head spinning, choking back acid, muscles aching, nerves burning.
Most days, you lie there for a while, trying to breathe through the pain and gather enough strength to go on about your morning routine.
But a big part of you wonders why you bother to get up at all.
You drag yourself from bed to fight the same battles each day. No end in sight, simply running on a treadmill uphill, hoping to maintain an unfortunate baseline.
It all just becomes so, so very tiresome.
Your physical health continues to deteriorate as your spirit is crushed under the weight of a crumbling sense of self.
You know there are people you would let down if you were to leave. There are those who would suffer if you were to suddenly cease to exist.
So you press on, trying to ignore the fact that you’re trapped– fake smile, one foot in front of the other.
As time passes, your increasing inability to keep up with the world pulls you deeper and deeper into the pit of isolation.
People grow up, get married, move away, retire, or simply forget your existence completely.
You watch as everyone you love fades away.
As night falls and you are left alone with your thoughts, your chest aches with the thought of how alone you have become.
You feel the sting of being unwanted, unneeded, outgrown, forgotten, abandoned.
But as the night turns to dawn, you realize there is no one left to let down. Or at least, there is no one who would have life ripped out from under them if you were to no longer be.
Your body is broken– your very being exhausted and worn– but you close your eyes and let out a sigh of relief.
Tears gilde down your cheeks and a smile slowly creeps across your face as you realize you may finally rest in peace.
[Just some musings from a brain and body currently consumed by painsomnia. No worries– I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. Keep fighting, guys.. ❤ ]