Mourning The Girl In The Green Shirt

Throwback to Falcons Cheer Camp in November of 2011!  Taylor and I were assistant coaches and both of our little sisters were on the team.  Bre is #3– she’s so adorable!  She was 12 when this video was filmed.  But even though this camp was about the middle school squad and this video was made to help teach them, I’ve played it over and over to selfishly watch myself.  I’m torturing myself remembering my vibrant, healthy days and mourning my past life.  And maybe, just for today, that’s okay.

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Forever Romanticizing The Past

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Why is it that even the best and most beautiful memories are so painful to recall?  Life was throwing curveball after curveball for that girl in the picture, but her smile is genuine.  She lived as if she had nothing left to lose, and while that sometimes meant lingering atop tall buildings, tears streaming as she smiled at the thought of the end– somehow THAT feels more desirable than….well…THIS.  And while I know my mind is just playing tricks on me, I still find myself wishing I was back in that period of my life. My irrationality frightens me sometimes…

Cuddles With Terd

Throwback to cuddles with my sweet Terd.  I love his fuzzy little self so much!  He and his sister, Squirt, missed me a lot while I was in the hospital that week and they needed lots and lots of hugs and kisses to make up for my absence. You can hear Squirt in the background demanding I give her a turn on my chest, ha ha. Miss them!!!

4 Years Ago

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I cannot believe I graduated high school 4 years ago.  Wow.  Feels like lifetimes ago & yet just yesterday in so many ways. Looking back on pictures always fills me with an almost-suffocating sense of nostalgia and…well…emotion, I guess. Not happiness or even sadness, per se, but an overwhelming feeling that I cannot quite seem to name.  Looking at this picture, I am taken right back to that day– I experience the memories with all of my senses– & I am left feeling hollow yet full to the brim, tears streaming down my cheeks & smiling all at the same time…

Two Years Gallbladder Free!

It’s been two years today since I had my gallbladder surgically removed! Two years free from crippling gallbladder ‘attacks’ that knocked me to the floor. It’s a nice thing to reflect on, because with that one surgery, I was CURED of what the pathologists deemed chronic cholecystitis. I wish all my illnesses and health woes had such easy fixes!

October 18th

One thing that used to frustrate us the most about our mother was her obsession and hang-up over dates.  I never quite understood why, for example, we were expected to behave a certain way on the anniversary of one’s death.  Don’t we miss the person the same that day as we did the day before?  As we will the day after?

However, October 18th is always a day that will always elicit a moment of somber reflection.

On this day 4 years ago, my sisters and I became wards of the state of North Carolina.  That crisp October morning, we were summoned to a meeting that consisted of our parents, grandparents, family friends, social workers, counselors, psychiatrists, and school principals.

We entered that room with fears, doubts, and heartbreak, sure…but we went as a single unit:

Hand-in-hand.

Three as one.

United by a lifetime of hurt and violent chaos, but also by a fervent hope that somehow always managed to sing its quiet song amidst the storms we weathered…

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October 18, 2012

But we left that meeting completely different people.

We were forced on yet another dark and winding path, but unlike the roads we had travelled in the past, this one split in three.  We were all forced to navigate alone- stumbling along scared and blind- with no hope of getting back to where we started and no promise of an end.

We would never again be the same…