I Understand

I understand why you lied

Your story sent angry mobs after me

Death threats, mental institutions, hatred, and doubt

But I do not regret defending you

A missing patch hair is easier to grasp

than a broken soul and a crushed sense of self

Years of abuse and chaos had taken everything

And I get it, I truly do

I know right now you feel no guilt for your actions

Nor their repercussions

But if one day you do, just know:

While it still hurts and haunts me at night

Brelyn, I understand

4 Years Ago

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I cannot believe I graduated high school 4 years ago.  Wow.  Feels like lifetimes ago & yet just yesterday in so many ways. Looking back on pictures always fills me with an almost-suffocating sense of nostalgia and…well…emotion, I guess. Not happiness or even sadness, per se, but an overwhelming feeling that I cannot quite seem to name.  Looking at this picture, I am taken right back to that day– I experience the memories with all of my senses– & I am left feeling hollow yet full to the brim, tears streaming down my cheeks & smiling all at the same time…

Nobody Wins When Everyone’s Losing

You know those songs that just capture your attention, reach into the depths of your soul & hit you at your core?  Yes, that was a very dramatic introduction– I’m aware. 😉 But this particular song, “Not Meant To Be” by Theory Of A Deadman is definitely one of those songs for Keri, Bre & I. When everything was in a chaotic spiral & we would find ourselves so far in Borderland we didn’t know that we’d ever again see the light, there wasn’t much that could help us (or, anyone caught in the path of the storm). But this song– one step forward, two steps back– every single word is/was SO relatable & relevant to our situation. And I’m not sure if it’s that it empowered us or simply validated our feelings, but somehow, singing it always made it easier to breathe.

It’s never enough to say I’m sorry
It’s never enough to say I care
But I’m caught between what you wanted from me
And knowing that if I give that to you
I might just disappear

Nobody wins when everyone’s losing…

[Chorus:]
It’s like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do, you’re always mad
And I, I can’t change your mind
I know it’s like trying to turn around on a one-way street
I can’t give you what you want
And it’s killing me
And I, I’m starting to see
Maybe we’re not meant to be

It’s never enough to say I love you
No, it’s never enough to say I try
It’s hard to believe
That’s theres no way out for you and me
And it seems to be the story of our lives

Nobody wins when everyone’s losing…

[Chorus]

There’s still time to turn this around
You could be building this up instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it’s too late

[Chorus]

It’s like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do, you’re always mad
And I, baby I’m sorry to see
Maybe we’re not meant to be…

Crying Is Not Weakness

It’s been exactly 5 years since I wrote this piece & posted it on my old blog. It’s crazy how this feels like ages ago & just yesterday all at the same time. I’m not quite where I want to be yet…but I have truly come so far.. 🙂

“A few weeks ago, I went to the movies with my friends to see Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Everyone around me was bawling her eyes out, yet sitting there watching this heartbreaking movie, I could not shed a single tear. I, too, felt sad…I wanted to cry…but regardless of how my heart ached and my thoughts raced for the little boy, my face remained dry and stoic.
Too many times when things were crazy at my house and the tears would fall down my cheeks, my mom would scoff and say, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” or push me aside with a, “Why are YOU crying, you little bitch? I’M the victim!” I grew up afraid to cry. And not only was I fearful, but resentful. I was angry at the woman screaming in my face- I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me break down. I didn’t wanna let her win. I didn’t wanna show weakness. I would do everything I could to act like her actions didn’t bother me. But too many “it doesn’t hurt”s, and “it’s all good”s can really affect a person…

This may sound a little crazy, but one of my most treasured memories is the night I ran away, one of God’s angels (let’s call her R) and I were having a heart-to-heart on the bench in her meditation circle. I had just hung up with my dad…who was yelling and crying and who basically told me life as I know it was about to be over. And of all of the beautiful, wonderful, comforting, inspirational things R said to me that weekend, one that sticks out most in my mind was when she put her hand on my knee that cold night on the bench and said, “Please let yourself cry.”

Please let yourself cry? Please let yourself cry! It finally hit me. I am only human! I am allowed to have emotions…I am allowed to cry. And so I did. I sobbed and sobbed into her shoulder until it was so dark outside we couldn’t see a foot in front of us. And you know what? As broken as my heart was and as embarrassing as it was to have trails of mascara running down my splotchy face, it felt good. It felt really good.

Do you, too, have trouble allowing yourself to cry? Has “crying is weakness” been drilled into your head one time too many? Well, guess what…whoever told you that was wrong. Crying is a sign of humanity, and regardless of what you are told or how you are treated, you have a right to express your feelings just as any other human would. Honest tears cleanse your heart and soul and relieve tension. And crying is certainly not a sign of weakness. Someone really special to me once explained it like this: Nature gave us two ways of showing our emotions, laughter and crying. Crying is not a sign of weakness just as laughter is not a sign of strength.

So, grab the tissue box and let yourself break down once and while…you’re allowed… ❤

With Love,
xLiveOutLoudx”

(February 2012)